I feel as if drifting on water, each foot in a boat, unable to move in any one direction or to reconcile either the different aspects of my character or my goals with my life. We have reversed. He has work now, though repetitive and more and more unfulfilling. I have…a small, empty, but cluttered apartment and neatly organised folder after folder of companies to whom I have submitted cover letters and résumés. And each of us, going, separate, around and around in circles such that we see and pass one another but rarely meet.

And so I return to the tango, Piazzolla’s Rough Dancer and the Cyclical Night and the music weaving the stories of the mythical “old Buenos Aires” of Jorge Luis Borges. I long for the abrazo (embrace) in life, the connection that will break us out of our own orbits and send us hurtling into one another. I crave that intimate and wordless exchange on the dance floor that no one but we can feel, and that others, if they watch, can sense radiating from us but only guess at what was said. We had that connection, taking ballroom in college and laughing at our own mistakes and missteps. We understood, when spending several silent hours wrapped up in blankets on the beach during a meteor shower, when working together on boats over the summer in Oxnard, when preparing and enjoying food together, when experiencing a beautiful Santa Barbara day hiking up to Gibraltar Rd. So as the motions become repetitive, the connection grows weak, my words become uninspired, my days grow shorter, and my nights turn sleepless, I drift back. In the hazy edges of my late night, early morning [semi-]consciousness, the embrace of my memories becomes closer and more real.

The Cyclical Night

They knew it, the fervent pupils of Pythagoras:
that stars and men revolve in a cycle;
the fateful atoms will bring back the vital
gold Aphrodite, Thebans and agoras.

In future epochs, the centaur will oppress
with solid, uncleft hoof the breast of the Lapith;
when Rome is dust, the Minotaur will groan
once more in the endless dark of its stinking palace.

Every sleepless night will come back in minute
detail. This writing hand will be born from the same
womb; and bitter armies will contrive their doom.
(The philologist Nietzsche made this very point.)

I do not know if we will recur in a second
cycle, like numbers in a repeating fraction;
but I know that a vague Pythagorean rotation
night after night leaves me on some ground

in the suburbs of the world. A remote spot
which might be either north or east or south,
but always with these things – a crumbled path,
a miraculous wall, a fig tree giving shade.

This, here, is Buenos Aires. Time which brings
to men either love or money, now leaves to me
no more than this withered rose, this empty tracery
of streets with names from the past recurring

out of my blood: Laprida, Cabrera, Soler, Suárez…
names in which secret bugle calls are sounding,
the republics, the horses and the mornings,
glorious victories and dead soldiers.

Ruined squares at night with no one there
are the vast patios of a crumbled palaces,
and the single-minded streets implying Spaces.
They are corridors out of dreams and nameless fear.

It returns, the concave dark of Anaxagoras;
in my human flesh, eternity keeps recurring,
and an endless poem, remembered or still in the writing…
“They knew it, the fervent pupils of Pythagoras…”

- Jorge Luis Borges (emphasis mine), translated by Alastair Reid

So, again, despite the hundreds of pieces I could be playing, when my fingers touch those keys, I return to Milonga para tres (Milonga for Three) and imagine the deep, yearning, nostalgic lament of the bandoneón. Even though my fingers are poor imitators of the instruments, I can each distinct voice weaving their own stories into the piece. The bandoneón, the old man recounting a story he has told countless times, no longer sorrowful but simply reflecting on times past. The violin, rhythmic, speaking with the drama of youth, the events fresh on his mind. The piano as the repeating base line, the bartender who listens, sets the tone, and says just enough to keep the conversation moving.

Where am I going? Several years ago, I wrote of spiritual dryness. What I had thought to be a few days or weeks of feeling purposeless turned into two years in the desert, but it was in the desert that I learned what it meant to need and thirst for Him and be quenched. And as I walk through the desert again, the landscape is familiar but different, seen through a perspective of a few years of change. “Be still, and know that I am God,” He reminds me. I have not found peace in continuous motion, but in stillness, even the seemingly endless landscape of the desert contains differentiating details, and even the most basic of truths become deeper upon closer examination. What are you trying to teach me, Lord? I am waiting for His still small voice to speak to me, as He did to Elijah. If this dialectic does, in fact, progress as history, then perhaps this cycle is just the beginning of another round of growing to understanding His purpose and perfection. I can only hope that in the eventual synthesis, I will closer reflect Him.

Remember your Creatorin the days of your youth,before the days of trouble comeand the years approach when you will say,“I find no pleasure in them” -before the sun and the lightand the moon and the stars grow dark,and the clouds return after the rain;when the keepers of the house tremble,and the strong men stoop,when the grinders cease because they are few,and those looking through the windows grow dim;when the doors to the street are closedand the sound of grinding fades;when men rise up at the sound of birds,but all their songs grow faint;when men are afraid of heightsand of dangers in the streets;when the almond tree blossomsand the grasshopper drags himself alongand desire no longer is stirred.Then man goes to his eternal homeand mourners go about the streets.

- Ecclesiastes 12:1-5

Theophila

Joy was also busy, and I wasn’t able to get in contact with her again, so I have been contacting other coordinators for day-of coordinating. The last I’d spoken to Joy, she’d gotten a little overloaded, so it’s understandable that a wedding over a year away is not on the top of her list of priorities. In the meantime, however, I met up with Michelle Schneiter of Verve Events about a week ago, and her day-of coordination package is very reasonable, and I was impressed with how organised she was – getting the list of needs, details, names, etc. So far I’ve found her the most organised and affordable plus easy-to-contact coordinator. I’m 80% sure of booking with her when I can afford it. I get the feeling, however, that I’m also being bridezilla, not having much else to do, and this has been occupying my mind to chase away the bad thoughts from trying to balance everything lately. I’ve been looking for another job, as funding a wedding on a server and a hostess’ salary, and especially buying a house, is a little out there. I did go to an interview and pretty much bag a job, but as a student, I couldn’t justify committing to it for more than six months and give up my academic career for it, so I let it pass.

I just want to get the pieces of this wedding put together so that I have the peace of mind to be able to set it aside. I won’t have nearly as much time for it nearing the end of my studies and with the house purchase looming. I also don’t want to plague Chris with the little details, especially as much as he is spending all his time working and saving now that business is slow, and he and his father are on a tighter deadline to finish the house in Big Bear on the weekends before his dad and Masami (his dad’s wife) have the child in September!

In many ways, I’d love to be happy and just enjoy the moment, but my head doesn’t let me. I’ve seen so many friends get engaged since I’ve started planning, and it seems most are getting married before we do; not that the timing matters as much, but I am a little miffed that it seems easier for them. We don’t need the “large party,” but with many of those closest to us coming from out of town (some of our family coming from out of state or out of country), it would be nice to be able to spend the time celebrating over simple food and dancing. Sadly, “simple food” isn’t so simple or affordable when it comes to Santa Barbara. It would be nice for it to be as simple as getting married in a church surrounded by the people with whom we’ve grown up and who have made our lives beautiful, but as it is we’d have to exclude parents and those who’ve become family if we do that!

As of now, this is what we have:

Chosen, designed, and/or paid for in full (finalised, in other words):

• My dress – made in Thailand on our vacation
• Our bridesmaids/groomsmen – keeping it simple, two each
• My bridesmaids’ dresses
• Our minister – Pastor Ricky Ryan of Calvary Chapel Santa Barbara!
• Our invitations (I designed them in InDesign) – paper, envelopes, etc.
• Silk flowers (may decide on real flowers later if Grass Roots Santa Barbara keeps their “Timeless Orchids” package affordable!)
• Reception band – Judy Chamberlain band, as mentioned above
• Favour bags
• Table layouts
• Wedding day itinerary
• Guest list

We have chosen but still do not have the money for:

• Venue – Elings Park, which requires full payment plus security deposit up front
• Photographer – Robert Hill
• Equipment rental company – Industry Event Services from LA
• Linen rental company (maybe…) – Bright Settings
• Caterer – Simply Marvelous BBQ of Ventura
• Wedding favours
• Ceremony musician – guitarist Jason Sulkin
• Day-of coordinator – (most likely) Michelle Schneiter of Verve Events

Things yet to be decided:

• Mens’ formalwear – Chris would rather buy a nice suit than rent one, and we need to get the men fitted for suits
• Cake/cupcakes – possibly Anna’s Bakery in Goleta or Henning’s Cake Boutique

It’s impolite to beg, but we do have a registry, and anything would help immensely!

God bless, hugs and kisses.

Lots of Love,
><> Elizabeth <><

Another goal that I have been looking at for a long time was getting into the business of real estate.  This has been one of my life goals that, since I was a boy, have been working toward.  Now I feel as though it is time for me to start my career and that it would be in the best interest of my family to do so as soon as possible.  This being the case I have resolved to take the real estate license exam in April or May in an attempt to get my license to sell real estate whether it be residential or commercial.  I have to say that planning for the wedding is probably somewhat responsible for this change in mind set because now I have to look at how it is best to take care of my loved ones.

Chris